Crockpots are for crackpots

I tried cooking last night. I did not succeed. I tried to make italian beef for dinner last night for a friend who has often seen me as domestically challenged and I wanted to prove her wrong...first mistake - I am domestically challenged and I should just focus on a different strength like using the microwave to heat up weight watcher dinners.

Series of Unfortunate Events:
5:30 p.m. - I placed a roast into the crockpot at 8 a.m., came home at 5:30 p.m. - Something smelled good? It wasn't coming from my house because I had burned the beef black. Threw it away, didn't feel like cleaning the crockpot so I put on my deck and closed the blinds.

7:00 p.m. - I was also making new potatoes in the oven wrapped in foil. They were ready to be taken out, so I took them out...good so far...opened the foil and burned the begeezus out of my fingers. They are now bright pink.

7:30 p.m. - Moved on to making pasta. I was doing good until it came time to drain it. I don't have a strainer, but I do have lids that strain for my pot. So I was straining the pasta, not really paying attention, and the pasta spilled all over into the sink. She was coming over in 2 minutes, so what else could I do but scoop up the pasta and put it back into the pot...yes, I KNOW!

7:40 p.m. - Turned on the stove to cook some mushrooms to go into the sauce. Caught a towel on fire. Who knew that the spirals on the stove top that heat up can actually light things on fire. I obviously didn't know!

7:50 p.m. - Used a Zip n' Steam bag for the broccoli. Burned my fingers again, AND the broccoli was still frozen despite being in the Zip n' Steam bag for 6 minutes!

8:00 p.m. - Had a beer and called it quits.

9:00 p.m. - Jumped into the bath tub. Forgot my fingers were burnt from the potatoes. Hot water + already burnt fingers = excrutiating pain followed by yelling.

Moral of the Story - Stick to eating Microwave Dinners.